birthdays

I'm doing a book, cd etc for DH for his birthday. Im stoney brokey so it's like a little filler. Tried so many websites looking for love quotes etc and they're all the same!! Is nothing original anymore? Things still aren't great but we're taking a few days off from talking about problems to give ourselves a bit of a break. Its too hard fighting all the time. Takes sooooo much energy!!!!

Heart broken

My Partner has told me that he definately wants to go back to college next year. This means that it will be another 4 years at least before we can start trying for a family. Im heartbroken. I dont have this long. Physically I might but mentally I wont be able to wait this long. So what do I do? Am I being selfish? Is he being selfish? Are we compatible at all? I love him but is that enough? Help!!!! I dont know how to handle this!!!

adoption

I recently enquired about adoption and was sent out a date to meet with social workers dealing with adoption in my area. I cancelled the meeting. Im scared that if we go ahead on this journey that we'll never focus on trying for a biological family. Despite all the information I have and knowing that making a baby is going to be nothing short of a miracle, I cant give up hope. If hope is gone then what do we have left?

I'll still consider adoption in the future but for the moment I think getting my head around PCOS is enough

Here I go...

Blogging my way back to sanity is a new concept to me. But I have to do something to make sense of why I cant have children. I always knew something was wrong with me in the whole baby department but I was young and naivee and my doctor kept telling me everything was fine. Lesson #1 in life...listen to your own intuition!!!

Anyway, in November 2008 I got the diagnosis. Polycystic ovary syndrome.I had the weight issues, the facial hair, the irregular periods and the pearl necklace of cysts around my ovaries. I was gutted.

As a counsellor working with children who had been abused, I felt I was doing all of my good deeds and when the time was right I would magically become "with child", although that was so stupid of me considering I had been NTNP for a long time and no magic two blue lines ever appeared.

The doctors gave me the usual info about Clomid, IVF etc but unfortunately my partner is not in a position to start TTC at the moment. This leaves me in limbo land. My heart is crying to get pregnant and fear holds me back every day at the thoughts of never being the first to hold my newborn son or daughter, never having a scan and being asked do I want to know the sex of the baby, my partner holding my hand with tears in his eyes saying how wonderful I am for bringing his flesh and blood into the world.

Im petrified that I'll never lie on the sofa with my partner rubbing my bump, thinking up baby names or decorating the nursery. There are a million things that you lose when you don't have a baby and think my life will be a lot less and very empty if it never happens. No amount of holidays, nights out, lie ins or money saved can ever compensate for not giving birth.

Unfortunately I'm in the cycle from hell, I love my partner and want to be with him forever, but he isnt ready for a baby. A baby is a 50-50 decision and you cant force someone into that, no matter what the circumstances are. But I'm afraid that by the time he comes around it will be too late. I've read so many stories from women with PCOS that yes, I know sometimes it turns out ok, but more women that I've spoken to than not have been trying for years and years and spent thousand and thousands trying to live a "normal" family life.

Lets just hope he feels ready soon :-)